


Natsuki Subaru's Strange Habits

by Flamingogogoogly



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Author Loves Comments, Beako wants to stop his bad habit, Emilia doesn't know what to do, Emilia doesn't understand what's wrong, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Garfiel is a good lil' bro, Hurt, It Gets Worse, Loneliness, Lots of Crying, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, Nightmares, Not perfect though, Otto gives subaru alcohol, Otto is a good friend, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rem is still asleep, Roswaal is scheming, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Subaru is a good actor, Subaru is always sad, Subaru is embarrassed, Subaru is still alone, Subaru starts drinking, Suffering, Thousand-Yard Stare, arc 4 spoilers, arc 6 spoilers (kind of?) but not really, attempted comfort, bad nightmares, but he shouldn't be, even in fanfiction, poor guy, regrets it, takes place in arc 4 interlude, the suffering never ends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27535624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamingogogoogly/pseuds/Flamingogogoogly
Summary: Emilia checks up on Subaru one day to see that he's staring at a wall in the dark of his room. Frightened and concerned as a result of Subaru's continuous dodging of questions, Emilia takes up the task of investigating him with the help of the others at the mansion.As time goes on, everyone realizes that something is very wrong.
Relationships: Emilia/Natsuki Subaru, Natsuki Subaru/Suffering
Comments: 109
Kudos: 518





	1. Emilia's Lovely Day

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the formatting is ok here. This first chapter is pretty much just the prologue, real stuff goes down 2nd chapter

“Mmmmm…” Stretching out her stiff limbs, Emilia rose to her legs with a happy sigh. She had spent the last hour talking with her spirit friends in the garden, who now dispersed with soft flickers into the clear blue sky.

Things had been incredibly stressful a few months ago at the sanctuary, and she hadn’t really had the opportunity to talk to them. She had missed their casual talks together. Now that the trials were cleared and everyone was safe, she resumed her daily routine of visiting them at least once every day. She always had fun catching up with them, even when she knew she would have to study again right after.

Not only was she getting along swimmingly with her spirit friends, but her other friends as well! In the past 5 months, she’d been working hard on talking to people more. Her studies were very time consuming, but she made sure that she talked with everyone at least once a day, helping them with anything she could. Subaru had insisted she didn’t push herself, but she was more than happy to, however grateful she was for his concern.

Humming off-tune as she began her walk back to the mansion, she revelled in the peaceful sounds of nature that accompanied her footsteps. She watched as a small bird landed on its nest, feeding its babies.

Her mind drifting, a beautiful smile broke out on her rosy cheeks. She thought about the people who had allowed for such comfortable days - the warmth they had planted within her chest did not fade even as time dredged on, her love for them only growing with each passing day.

Otto was a little bit silly at times, and he seemed to like alcohol a little too much (which Emilia thought was no good). Despite his shortcomings, he worked tirelessly for the benefit of herself and everyone in the mansion, even though he claimed to hate it. He took care of them, and they trusted him in turn.

Frederica was very kind and helpful, never hesitating to set aside her work when Emilia was having trouble with something. Emilia hoped that one day she would no longer cover her pretty smile.

Garfiel was super cool. When they had first moved into the new mansion, Emilia had worried they wouldn’t get along well because of their previous conflicts (and his quick temper), but the young boy had pledged to protect her and everyone in their camp with no hesitation whatsoever. He was incredibly strong for his age, and she couldn’t help but imagine what it might be like if they fight side by side in the future.

Ram was harsh in her words, but Emilia never once doubted her true kindness that she hid behind her disdainful glare. When Emilia needed help with something, she knew she could rely on her, and thought of her as a good friend.  
Petra was cute, and a lovely maid. Sometimes, though, she acted strange upon seeing Emilia and Subaru walk together.

Beatrice was like a cute little sister, and she was super duper happy she finally was getting to know her in the past months. She loved teasing her with Subaru, almost always earning a red-faced scowl that scrunched adorably on her little face. Back at the old mansion, she hadn’t been able to talk with her much, and would never have even dreamed of talking with her so casually.

\--Emilia sighed, once again quietly thanking Subaru for saving the little girl from her 400-year prison. She was eternally grateful for the bonds she had made with all of her friends and her dearest wish was for them all to live happily together. 

_I wonder if Rem would be a good friend, too._

Thinking back on the girl in an unwaking sleep, Emilia felt a thorn of guilt and sorrow intrude on her lighthearted thoughts. Shaking her head at her own fickle happiness, Emilia instead directed her thoughts to the one at the forefront of her mind, the one who had remembered that girl--

Subaru.

Thinking about him made it feel like butterflies were clashing in her stomach, and she wasn’t sure why.

He was reckless and bad at keeping his promises, but Emilia would never wish for anyone else to be her knight. There were countless things he had done for her, and she knew she would never be able to pay him back, no matter how hard she tried. Yet through thick and thin, he had been by her side. 

Even when she had pushed him away after he broke his promise and followed her to the capital, he saved her.

Even when she ran away and hid in the sanctuary, throwing a childish tantrum, he saved her.

Recalling their meeting within the tomb, Emilia slapped away the pink blooming on her cheeks.

“...dunderhead.”

Ever since their kiss in the sanctuary, Emilia hadn’t been sure how to act. How do people act after they kiss someone? Her feelings were incredibly confusing, and had grown even more so with that intimate moment. However, she couldn’t be too mad at the rush of conflicted feelings. She had thought babies came from kissing… Poor Subaru had been a sputtering mess, and Emilia had that embarrassing memory forever ingrained her mind.

Arriving near the mansion entrance, Emilia felt her eyes wander to the window of his room. 

“-----”

Catching a glimpse of his ruffled black hair and the shape of his face, she strained her neck to see what he was doing, although from this distance it would be incredibly hard to tell. The hair disappeared for a moment before she realized she could no longer see into his room, as he had drawn the curtains.

“...eek.” Fearing Subaru had noticed her peeping (which was practically impossible), she immediately dropped from her tiptoes and nervously brushed her hair aside before walking through the mansion door. 

“Hello, Emilia-sama.”

Jumping at the unexpected greeting, Emilia turned her head to see Ram mopping near the door. 

“O-oh, hello, Ram! Sorry for getting in your way...”

“There’s no need to apologize, Emilia-sama. Ram has just finished her duties for the day, so you are not impeding.” True to her word, Ram picked up the bucket of mop water and huffed, wiping away the sweat at her brow. 

“I see… umm, wait, isn’t it only the afternoon?” Emilia turned her head towards the window, gazing at the clear sky with a look of confusion. Ram huffed once more, turning and gazing in the direction of the right hallway.

“Useless Barusu was not entirely useless today, somehow. For whatever reason, he insisted on doing most of today’s chores. He finished them not long ago.” Ram paused, crossing her arms and running a hand through her hair. 

“...however, Barusu finished things a bit too quickly for Ram’s liking. Regardless, Ram in her loving mercy has allowed him to go do whatever strange thing Barusu might be doing,” Ram paused, narrowing her eyes, “though, if he has left a single spot untouched, Ram will surely make him regret it.”

Nodding, Emilia completely ignored the threat to Subaru’s wellbeing.

“Mm... I see. Do you know what he’s doing right now?” 

Ram hummed. “Ram doesn’t care much for what Barusu may be doing in his free time, so she has no clue. Likely something disgusting.” Her face twisting into one of scorn, Ram let out a "Ha!".

“That’s alright, Ram.” Emilia giggled at Ram's usual antics before turning to face the right hallway as well. “Um... I think I saw him in his room. Something seemed a teeny bit weird, though... he closed his curtains.” Furrowing her brows, Emilia came to the realization that Subaru had closed his curtains in broad daylight. “Maybe he’s napping?”

“Although Ram does not understand your sudden obsession with Barusu, Ram will go check if you wish. I only ask your responsibility for the horrible things I may see.” As Ram let out a resigned sigh and began her walk down the hall, Emilia fervently shook her head in denial. 

“Um! Hey, I’m not… obsessed, don’t be mean!” Ram turned to Emilia as she continued shaking her head,“...just, don’t you think it’s a little bit strange? Subaru is almost always busying himself, especially around right now... he'd usually be playing with Beatrice at this time of day. ” Twiddling her thumbs with eyebrows furrowing, Emilia continued to think back on Subaru’s habits.

The moment she had realized this deviation in routine, she had felt just a little bit worried. Subaru was a busy bee, and almost never went back to his room unless he needed to grab something - and even then, he didn’t stay long. Subaru could almost always be seen around the others, playing and talking - and since the day he was knighted, he hadn't been required to perform housekeeping, but was still reaching out a helping hand to the maids (and his friends) whenever he could. Emilia admired that about him... but she reaaaaaally wished he would take a break sometimes. 

So why had he returned to his room for a nap, which he had never once done before?

Emilia continued to dig through her memories for a time when Subaru had gone back to his room for a nap, but there were none. The closest thing to a 'nap' he's had were the times when he was required to rest and heal, which happened a little bit too much for her liking.

Shaking her head, Emilia sighed. She was being a worrywart. There was nothing to be concerned about, surely. He must simply be worn out from all of that training. 

Ram, who had quietly listened to her rant, shrugged. “If you truly wish to go check on him, you may do so, Emilia-sama. Ram is sure he’s simply sleeping, drooling all over his pillow like a child.” Throwing in that derogatory comment, Ram nodded in reassurance. “Barusu was acting as ridiculously as usual. Do not stress yourself over that bothersome child, Emilia-sama.”

Emilia smiled at Ram’s kind words concealed in spite. 

“...I understand. Thank you, Ram.” In response to her heartfelt gratitude, Ram turned her head away and huffed, closing her eyes. “...but, I'll check in on him, just to be sure.”

“If he snares you in his lustful tricks, Ram will not help you.” Ram uncrossed her arms in a look of defeat, having realized there was no dissuading Emilia's persistence. "That sinful boy, in the privacy of his room, will pounce much like a tiger. Disgusting." Ram shuddered as she imagined the scene.

“Hey… Subaru isn’t like that at all!" Momentarily, Emilia's thoughts drifted back to the sanctuary tomb, and she shook the thoughts away. "I’m sure he’s sleeping just like a child, as you said.” Puffing out her cheeks, it was Emilia’s turn to cross her arms. She then nodded, reassuring herself enough to begin her walk past Ram and through the hallway. With a smile, Emilia parted ways. 

“I’ll see you later, Ram. Please take care.”

Watching the half-elf's retreating figure, a sigh was heard - its meaning obscure.


	2. Stray Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru starts to not have a good time. I'm not sure if I conveyed it well, so let me know if there's anything I can do to fix it! I had a lot of fun with this chapter.

Making her way down the winding hallway, Emilia mulled over Ram’s parting words. 

“So mean… hmph.” Emilia loved Ram, although she sometimes didn’t understand why she felt the need to act hostile. Maybe she is a ‘tsoondarey’, as Subaru would put it.

Poor Subaru was always on the end of Ram’s unrelenting scorn, even when he wasn’t there. Emilia knew that Ram cared for him deeply, and wished that she would be more honest with her feelings. Regardless of Ram’s poking fun at her and Subaru, she was going to go see him. 

**That was that.**

Finding herself at the bottom of the winding staircase, she continued her journey to Subaru's room. Emilia called Subaru’s living space ‘Subaru’s room’, but it was just as much Beatrice’s as it was his. Ever since they moved into the new mansion, Beatrice and he had been sleeping in the same room. Emilia found it quite adorable, especially when Beatrice grew red in denying her obvious affection for him, claiming it to be ‘only for the draining of his mana, in fact!”

“Ha-ha-hi.” Recalling the time she had snuck in and seen them sleeping together, Emilia giggled, momentarily forgetting her worries. 

Having reached the top of the stairs, she continued on her way. Passing by Otto’s workplace with a skip in her step, a voice called out. 

“Ah, Emilia-sama! Good afternoon. You seem to be in high spirits.” From behind her stood a gray-haired merchant, face almost hidden by the large stack of paper he was carrying.

At his friendly voice, Emilia turned and smiled. 

“Mm. I was just thinking of something funny… but Otto, do you need any help carrying those? I’ll be glad to…” Emilia tentatively reached out her hands, worried the stressed man would drop them at the slightest interruption.

“Ah… thank you, but I’ll be fine,” He paused, grimacing, “...wait, it’s not me, right?! I know I look pathetic right now, but that’s too cruel!” Coming upon this conclusion, Otto let out a dejected cry.

With a small laugh (she was quite used to Otto’s loud voice by now), Emilia shook her head. “Mm, no… I was thinking about Beatrice, and… well,” She drew her arms close to her body, lying her hands over the crystal on her chest, “I’m going to go see Subaru! I saw him go in his room while I was in the garden, and I saw him close his curtains… so I think he might be napping. Did he say anything to you?” 

She looked behind her towards his room, at the far end of the hallway. She saw the door opened ever so slightly, giving way to the darkness inside.

_Umm…? If he’s sleepy, shouldn’t he close his door?_

Otto, who had been quietly listening, hummed in response - breaking her concentration.

“A nap? I’ve never taken Natsuki-san for the ‘napping’ sort of person…” He murmured, blinking in surprise, “That is… quite odd.” He glanced over the papers in his arms towards where Emilia was staring.

“...but yes, I've seen him. Earlier today he asked if I needed help with anything, and a little while ago he passed me in the halls… other than that, I sadly haven’t had the time to talk with him. The Margrave has been swamped with work lately, and I've been doing all I can to help.” Otto shrugged, frowning. 

Glancing at Subaru’s door once more, she turned back to Otto and nodded her head with a clap of her hands. 

“I see… but yes, I thought that too! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap before… do you think he might be feeling sick? He seemed fine during our morning warm-ups, but maybe I wasn’t paying attention…” She heard guilt slip into her voice, and Emilia lowered her eyes in shame. If he was hurting again, and she hadn’t noticed… 

“I don’t think so, but I may be wrong.” Focusing on where Emilia was looking, his blue eyes wavered in concern.

“...would you like me to accompany you to his room? I could set aside my work for a moment.” In a quiet mutter, he added, “Geez, Natsuki-san won’t ever stop worrying us, will he?”

Emilia, watching Otto’s apprehensive stare towards Subaru's room, thought for a moment before shaking her head.

“I’ll go on my own, but thank you, Otto-kun. For some reason, it feels like he might say something like, “ah, waking up to an angel! How nice!”... or something silly like that.” 

Otto jostled the papers in his grasps, raising an eyebrow.

“Natsuki-san would definitely say something ridiculous like that, but…” Otto shifted on his feet, ...are you sure? If he’s not feeling well, I feel he might bother y- hyeek.”

At Emilia’s pouting expression, Otto clamped his mouth shut with a small squeak.

“Hey… he won’t be bothering me! I want him to be able to trust me, so...” She shook her head, remembering the numerous times she had seen Subaru hiding away his struggles. Sighing, Emilia’s pout switched to an expression of slight pain, as if recognizing something.

In all the time she had known him, there was only once where she had seen him strain himself to the point of tears. He had put out great efforts to hide them from her, only breaking when she managed to pull him aside and let him rest on her lap, which was something she would never have done under normal circumstances. Even now, Subaru hid his problems from others. When there were times Subaru seemed a little tired, he was quick to brush off any concerns, excusing himself with a smile. What if that smile was fake? When he was pushing himself to help the others in the mansion with their tasks, he held no regard for his own well being. He pushed and pushed himself, but paid no heed to Emilia's words when she said he should rest. Why was that? Subaru did not show weakness. Emilia knew he must have them, but even she was fooled into the sense that maybe, he truly was without worries. But that couldn't be true. She had seen first hand his desperation and sadness, which had seemed to vanish with the following morning. Where had it gone? Had it truly disappeared, or was he hiding it? Even despite this, Emilia had no way of knowing. If Subaru was struggling, he didn't tell her.

With a twinge of sadness, she realized Subaru may be hiding much more from her than she thought. 

“Maybe...” 

"------?"

"Maybe... he doesn't..."

Emilia regretted those words the moment they left her mouth. How could she have been so stupid? She was thinking too much, too hard, and sweeping aside the many times where Subaru had put his faith in her and her alone. Subaru _did_ trust her, and she knew that. How could she have forgotten? The time she had lent him her lap to cry on, the time he had told her ‘Watch me’ while he fought Garfiel - He trusted her, and she trusted him. Even though he might hide his weakness, if it truly came to a head, he would tell her. Beatrice, too. She knew this.

_How dare I say something so thoughtless?_

Otto, clueless to her newfound inner turmoil, immediately cried out in distress at Emilia’s sudden change in demeanor. “No, no, that’s not it! Natsuki-san’s just the kind of person that likes to put on fronts, is all! Especially in front of -” 

Frantically backpedaling on his previous statement was Otto, who had dropped his papers and was frantically waving his arms in denial of her self-admonishment.

”He most certainly trusts you, Emilia-sama, dare I say with his life! Please don’t worry!” He put his hands together as if begging, crying out as guilt struck his heart.

“Ah… I apologize, Otto-kun. That was a strange thing for me to say.” Shaking herself from her quiet self-hatred, Emilia stepped away from Otto and towards Subaru’s room, hiding her face. She felt it warm in shame.

“...um, I know you’re worried, so I’ll let you know if something is wrong..." Disgusted by her shortcomings, she wished to see Subaru as soon as she could and ease the quiet doubt she held, which still nestled itself deep in her heart despite her fond memories. 

_Shameful._

“Waagh… Emilia-sama, please don’t worry me like that…” Relieved, Otto slumped to the ground. Otto had surely believed for a moment she might cry. Forget forgiving himself, his friend wouldn’t either.

Emilia blinked.

She had, with resignation, been expecting scorn. Once again, a stupid thing to think. 

_Otto is truly kind._

“Mm… sorry, I’ll take care in the future.” Emilia once again apologized for her careless words. To his lack of anger, despite her self-hatred, she could only feel relieved. Her face deepened its red hue as she bent down to help Otto pick up his papers. The poor man needn't suffer for her own selfish worries.

_Dunderhead._

But Otto waved her off, gathering his scattered papers himself with an “it’s alright, Emilia-sama”. He sighed and glanced away as a small, sad smile formed on his face. 

“...but... if you could, would you let me know how he is? I can't help but feel a little worried at his odd behavior. I would much rather he didn’t cause any more trouble, though…” rubbing his head as if having a migraine, he rose to his feet with papers in hand, sighing, “I’m already busy enough as it is…” 

Emilia nodded in a quiet agreement - Subaru was most certainly a troublemaker.

"Mm. I will, Otto-kun." With a small nod and a soft smile, Emilia turned and began her walk to the end of the hallway.

Walking further down, she soon arrived at the tall wooden door that had been left slightly ajar. Leaning close to the crack and peeking, Emilia tried to see where Subaru might be, but to no avail. She noticed the closed curtains in the corner of the room, on the window where Subaru’s study desk was stationed, had been drawn rather sloppily - as if in some sort of hurry. She couldn't see whether he was at his desk or not, as it was just barely out of sight, but Emilia could see the boy's notes. The sun peeked through the window where the curtain failed to reach, casting light over a fallen quill.

At the slight disarray, Emilia felt the worry in her chest grow ever so slightly. She slapped her cheeks, admonishing herself for acting so wary. Something as silly as how the curtains were placed meant absolutely nothing. So what if his quill fell off the desk?

_I really **am** being a worrywart… Jeez. He’s just relaxing in his room, and nothing more. Let’s go, Emilia!_

Sneaking one last glance in Otto’s direction, she saw him waiting outside his office, watching her. Upon her noticing him, he hurriedly rushed inside.

“--haha.” 

Emilia giggled, realizing she wasn’t the only worrywart in this mansion. 

Feeling her heart calm, even if only slightly, she gently opened the door--

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

_“Whew~.”_

Stretching his arms, Subaru groaned as his stiff muscles creaked. It had been a while since he had fully committed to chores like this, and he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep at all.

“----------”

Glancing over at Ram, who was dusting the shelves with a bored expression, he sighed. 

After radio calisthenics that morning, Petra had dragged Beatrice away to play, so Subaru was left on his own. Wanting to save his whip training and parkour for when Beatrice could see (she looked so cute when she was complimenting him), Subaru had instead gone around the mansion and checked in on everyone he could. Although Otto was busy with work, he had shooed him off, and Garfiel was busy training. He checked in on Meili, the captured assistant assassin, but she was as distant as usual. Only when he came to Ram was he given work. 

He had been given a majority of today’s chores.

Ram, as per usual, was not lenient with him at all.

“Hey, Ram-neesama. Anything else?” Leaning against the doorframe, Subaru called over to the working maid. He’d worked tirelessly for the past few hours, and had finished things much quicker than he believed he would. He wondered if Ram had gone easy on him, for some reason...

“Kindly get out of my sight.”

“Harsh…” Subaru softly chuckled at the familiar cruelty.

“--- Wait, though, seriously?!”

At Ram’s sudden dismissal, Subaru couldn’t help but be shocked. From how he knew Ram, she was not the kind to skip out on an opportunity to have less of a workload. 

“Did Ram stutter, Barusu? You’ve finished your portion of work, and the amount of today’s chores are rather low.” Her eyes narrowed as she put down the feather duster and huffed. “Ram would rather not look at your face any longer. Kindly leave.”

“Eh… but, are you sure? It’s only been a few hours…”

“Your servant skills seem to have slightly dulled since your knighting, and Ram would rather she didn’t risk any mistakes.” Picking up the duster once more, she turned back to the shelves. 

“Hey, if I was doing that bad I’ll redo it! Geez, why didn’t you tell me?” Running to grab the broom he had set in the storage room, scanning the floor for any missed spots, he was stopped by Ram’s call. 

“Barusu.”  
Hearing the exasperation in her voice, he tentatively stuck his head back in the room she was cleaning.

“Ram will check over any missed spots, but you did your job… well enough. Ram will not ask again - kindly leave.” Crossing her arms, Ram stared Subaru down at the doorway. 

Subaru sighed and raised his hands in surrender, knowing this would be pointless even if he pushed. Ram’s decision was resolute.

“Alright, alright… but if you need anything, call me.” Waving, he stepped out of the room.

“Barusu is a mere dog, so be sure to answer quickly if the time arises, else Ram feeds you to Patrasche.”

“I really doubt she’d eat me, though...” 

Closing the door and leaving the pink-haired demon behind with a mutter, he couldn’t help but feel a little dejected that she was so insistent on kicking him out. 

Rather than dwelling on it, though, he began his quest to find Beako - who had been missing since she left with Petra that morning - and who Subaru really wanted nothing more than to mess with right now.

“Otto, the maids, Garfiel, Emilia…” Muttering, Subaru went over his mental list of all the people he’s talked with today. Maybe one of them knew?

As Garfiel was off in the forest training, Subaru wasn’t going to bother him. Ram had been with him the whole time, so she didn’t know either. Frederica was likely preparing for lunch, but she was the one most likely to know where Petra was - and by extension, Beatrice.

Making his way to the kitchen, he poked his head through the door.

Frederica was currently chopping vegetables, and the room filled with the scent of greens - one that Subaru wasn’t very fond of. Regardless, he called out to her.

“Hey, Frederica-san?”

At his voice, the tall blonde maid turned his way, setting down the knife. A sharp-toothed smile bloomed across her face, which she was quick to hide behind her hand.

“Ah, Subaru-sama! It’s nice to see you.” She bowed, and Subaru subtly wished she didn’t feel the need to be so formal with him.

Seeing Subaru’s conflicted expression, she patted her apron down and walked over. Subaru subconsciously noted her height as she stood before him.

“Is something the matter? You seem anxious.” With those soft words of concern, her eyebrows furrowed.

“Ah, not really… but have you seen the two girls? I wanted to show off my awesome whip skills to Beako, but I have no idea where they went.” 

“Ah, Beatrice-sama and Petra-chan? I see.” Frederica paused, momentarily searching her memories, before shaking her head. 

“I apologize, Subaru-sama. I allowed Petra a longer break from work today, so I haven’t seen her since this morning. I’ll be calling her back soon to prepare lunch.”

“Gah… so they’re both M.I.A. Gotcha.” At the unfamiliar term, Frederica tilted her head. Bowing apologetically, she gestured back to the cut up ingredients on the counter.

“I apologize for not being of more help to you, Subaru-sama… but I must return to my duties, so I cannot search with you. However, Petra will be helping with lunch today, so I’ll call for you when she returns.”

“No worries. I appreciate it, Frederica-san.” Seeing that he wouldn’t be finding Beatrice for a little while, Subaru shrugged his shoulders in resignation, walking back to the hallway after waving goodbye.

Knowing that his best bet was to wait for a while, Subaru couldn’t help but feel a little frustrated. He was, quite frankly, bored. Everyone was busy, and Subaru spent most of his time with Beatrice, so he was at somewhat of a loss of what to do.

“Agghhh, where’s Beako? I miss youuuuu!” 

With that childish remark, Subaru began trudging towards the front door and out to the garden, where he knew Emilia was. Seeing her cute face would surely ease his pain, even if only for a little while.

Emilia was sitting near the bushes, holding her knees as she laughed with the flickering lights. He wished he knew what they were talking about, but he knew better than to interrupt.

“E.M.T. (Emilia-tan’s is seriously an angel).” A quiet whisper of admiration slipped from his lips.

The spirits danced around her head with soft flickers, not unlike a halo, illuminating her gentle smile. For a few moments more, he watched her, sighing. He was thankful for moments like these, after everything that had happened.

“------------------------”

Suppressing the sudden uprising of painful memories, Subaru shook his head. There was no reason to think about such things, when his heart was finally so light.

Sneaking a final glance at the silver-haired girl, he walked back to the mansion. Although he had gone out to see Emilia, he had also been hoping to catch a glimpse of the two girls, but to no avail. 

For a while, he wandered the halls, checking on each of the residents. He passed by Otto, who carried a stack of papers - the poor guy looked about ready to fall over. He passed by Roswaal’s room, but he didn’t bother checking. He would rather avoid being with him for any longer than a few minutes.

Roaming across the hallways and up the stairs, Subaru found nothing out of order, and nobody in sight. They were all busy with something, it seemed.

Pulling himself from his thoughts, he found himself in front of his door.

“...guess all I can do is study, huh?” 

Subaru was still a little flimsy on this other world’s language, although he had become much more confident with the passing months. I-glyphs were no problem, but he still struggled with more complex writing at times. Since he saved his parkour training for after lunch, he might as well practice, right?

The dark door opened with a quiet creak, giving way to his barebones room. When he moved into this new mansion with the others, he hadn’t spent much time furnishing, and what his room contained was limited to what he considered the bare essentials. A small reading chair was nestled in the corner of the room, which he often spent time in when talking to Beatrice. A few books were scattered across the dresser, and a piece of fabric was poking out from one of the drawers. His study desk rested against the window through which glaring sunlight broke through, scattering across the ground and the corner of his bed.

Sighing, Subaru made his way over to his desk. The room was a little too quiet for his comfort, but it was, quite frankly, the perfect environment for studying.

Pulling out his chair with a slight screech, he plopped down, picking up one of the books he had been reading. It was a children’s fairytale, written in Ro-glyphs and I-glyphs. It was fairly complex for a children’s book, and Subaru had struggled at a few points. Not that he would admit it.

“------------”

Pulling aside a piece of paper and a quill, he began reading. He wasn’t too fond of taking notes, but he had been asked to do so by Emilia, so he relented. The story he was reading was one of the many tales of the Jealous witch, Satella. The witch who had given him the power of 'Return by Death'.

“-----------------------”

Although he often tried not to think about it, he could still remember his conflicted emotions the day he met her. It was an odd feeling - like his body was revolting against her presence, yet refusing to let go. He had read some books to try and find some more information, but came up with absolutely nothing. Nobody knew much about the witch except for him, after all.

\-----Subaru’s quill twirled in his hand as he stared at one of the pictures; a dark and shapeless thing, bearing a face of absolute malice. The figure’s dark hands curled around the edge of the page, as if trying to break out and reach him.

“------------------------ it’s too damn quiet in here.”

“------------------------”

“-----------------------------------------------”

“-------------------------------------------------------------”

“-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------”

His eyes drawled across the page, searching for something of meaning. Every time his eyes met with the haunting drawings, unwanted memories began to bubble at the surface.

“-------------------------------------------------------------”

The sun continued to shine brightly in the sky. Subaru squinted his eyes as a cloud passed, blinding him.

Shifting in his chair, he turned over a page of his notes. He had absentmindedly scribbled, a mass of tangled lines that ran across the page and his words. He didn't realize this. He was far away. 

Right now, Natsuki Subaru was caught within the web of his own mind. He hadn’t intended for it to be. The moment he had let his thoughts drift into the memories tainted with the witch’s hands, he had lost himself. 

“----------------------------------------...”

Ever since he had escaped the hellish loops of the sanctuary, Subaru had been afraid of being alone. When he was alone, he was afraid. 

When he was alone, he was weak.

When he was alone, he was tired.

When he was alone, he cowered like a child.

When he was alone, with nobody to comfort him, nobody to remind him -

-he was afraid,

of losing someone like Rem.

And so, he buried his pain. He ignored his fears. Laughing with Beatrice, making fun of Otto, playing with Garfiel, flirting with Emilia--

\--- as long as he did those things, he could ignore the gaping wounds in his heart. He could escape the bitter fear that had been engraved in his very soul.

And so he did. Every day. This piece of happiness, a reward of his constant toil.

A reward he did not deserve. 

A reward he would never deserve.

He had let them die too many times.

The sound of soft breathing and the rustling of paper was the only sign of a living creature in this world of silence.

\-------- Subaru wondered when Frederica would call. He wanted to see Beatrice. He missed her.

_\----Taptap tap_

The quiet sound of tapping echoed as Subaru jostled his quill against the desk. His eyes, wandering, searching his mind, stared somewhere only he could see. That black arm continued to taunt him, continued to hunt him, through the page.

_Taptap tap taptaptap tap_

Subaru's knee bounced beneath the desk. A cold sweat broke out over his back, and he absentmindedly loosened the collar of his jacket as his fervor grew.

_Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap taptaptaptaptaptap taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap_

Subaru was, thinking. He was remembering, he was remembering. It was too quiet. He was losing himself. He was losing himself. He was losing himself. Losing himself, to the shadows on the page, in his heart.

The sun is bright. It’s loud. I hate it. 

Shut up.

“----------------------hk.”

Toppling his chair as he jumped up, Subaru tore the curtain shut. The light hurt his eyes. It was laughing.

His breathing felt shallow, ragged. He dropped his quill as he stumbled away from his desk, his legs trembling. He needed to escape. I need to escape. I’m scared. I don’t want to remember. Stop.  
Stop.

**Stop.**

“I love you.”

“----aa.” 

A quiet profession of love echoed in his ear. 

Was it all in his head? Or had she come here, to torture him? To ruin him? To remind him,

he could never break free?

Fear.

With the witch, came the memories, rich with despair, rich with rage, rich with hatred. With the memories, came pain, pain _pain_ **_pain_**

Subaru grabbed the book and threw it at the wall, teeth chattering. Stumbling away, his back hit the wall. He couldn’t look at it anymore. He didn’t want to look at it anymore. He was scared. She's going to hurt me.

He uselessly grasped at the edge of his bed as he slid to the floor, searching for something, anything, to keep his mind atop the bog of despair.

\---but

_**\-------------** _

_**\---- it was cold. The snow had seeped into his shoes - the cold dampness in his socks stuck to his skin, sending shivers up his spine. But he didn’t care. He didn't care about what happened to him. He no longer held any regard for his worthless life. There was only one thing, he lived for.** _

_**Where is everyone?** _

_stop_

Subaru trembled, trembled, trembled, staring at the wall. He curled in on himself. He felt cold. He was remembering. Remembering.

_I don’t want to._

_**\----- There’s a small rabbit, at his feet. It’s cute and tiny. It could fit in his hand. It tilts its head, chirping.** _

“...nNoooo… hk.”

He was losing himself. He was remembering. Beako will be sad. Beako will cry. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stopstopstopstop

_**\------ Hot, like fire. Pain as hot as flames. Burning as he was torn to pieces. His calf burned in phantom pain as he kicked it about in the horde of white. He watched as a strand of his muscle was torn from his bloodied arm, and chewed. He was being eaten. He was being eaten alive.** _

“---------------------”

__

__

__

Subaru scratched at his hand. It was itchy. Itchy. Itchy. Itchyitchyitchyitchy itchy. Why is it so _itchy?_ It’s numb. It’s cold. It’s warm.

_**\-------- one of his veins was torn from the stump of his wrist, detaching with a quiet snap. He could no longer scream, for he had no throat. Blood gushed and gurgled in his mouth, desperate to escape. When would it end? Was he still alive? Was he dead?** _

Help me

_**\---------------------------------------------------------------- His body is numb from the cold. Someone is in his arms. The crunching of snow beneath his feet. The snow is red.** _

A different memory, from a long time ago.

Subaru Natsuki's heart was crumbling to pieces, in the corner of his bedroom.

_Itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy.itchy._

His arm felt warm. Hot. His arm was hot. His head was hot. Hot, burning. Why was he still so cold? 

_**\------------- Subaru had failed. He had let this happen. The girl in his arms was gone. Everyone was gone. He too, would vanish in the snow--** _

Teeth chattered in the empty space. Scratching, scratching, scratching.

_**\-------------------- Shoved from a moving carriage, his bones crunched and snapped as he rolled, rolled, in the dust. Hysterical laughter. Hysterical crying, from the man he had grown to trust. A man that he, perhaps, would have called his friend.** _

_**“DIE, SO I CAN LIVE!”** _

“------aaaaaaa.”

Warm, red. Hot. Red arms. Red sleeves. Red. Warm. Cold. The shadows in the corner are deep. Scary. Cold. Warm.

_**\---------------------- Cackling, like a madman. His body is not his own. His cheeks stretched with a monstrous smile, which gave birth to such horrid laughter. Someone was crying. Was he crying? His body hurt. Hurts.** _

__

_**“I will surely be punished for this.”** _

_**A sad voice, regretting.** _

_**A sword descends. In its steel lies the wonderous sunset. It's pretty.** _

_hurts_

_**\-------------------a gentle kiss. His first kiss. A kiss from the girl he loves. Her eyes are dull. Her eyes are staring, far, far, away. His body aches. He is dying. Death. The taste of death.** _

Red, hot. Pain in his arms. Pain in his head. Pain in his heart. There is no escape.

_**The young girl stares past him, reflecting nothing. There is a hole in her chest, where her heart should be. He holds her close. She is cold.**_

_**He wonders where the other children are.** _

Itchy. Scratching.Scratch.Scratch.Scratch.scratch.

Scratch.Scratch.scratchscratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.itchy.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.scratch.

Scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchcratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch

\--------- a door creaked open, bringing light to that dark room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subaru has bad time. Sufferu is suffering. 
> 
> Did I rush the breakdown in any way? I tried to make it slow, but if there's anything I should do to make it better, let me know. Feel free to comment any grammar mistakes (other than the ones with the oddly placed commas, those are just for style)


	3. Gone, was Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little short, sorry about that... but wanted to give you guys a little something to show I was alive. At first I was going to postpone the chapter for a while longer as I didn't know where would be a good place to leave off, but... I dunno, felt kinda right. Don't worry, though - I'll be working on the next one as soon as possible! And it will be much longer. I just wanted to create this one as short and impactful. This moment will change how Emilia sees Subaru forever.

The moment Emilia saw the world beyond Subaru’s bedroom door, she could no longer think.

\---No, that’s not right.

_**She didn’t want to.** _

Spilled ink dripped from Subaru’s study desk and onto the floor, where his chair lay sideways in a stack of scattered papers. Scribbles dyed the upturned sheets into black, bleeding through and staining the wood floor - alongside the blackened wood lay a broken quill. Further away was a children’s book that slumped against the wall, binding broken from the force which it had been thrown. 

Something else, though, was slumped against the wall. Next to the bed, was something far more important than a quill and scattered paper.

Subaru.

The boy lay opposite the door through which Emilia had entered, curled in on himself. 

His mouth hung agape, like a fish out of water. No sound left his dry lips save for the shallow gasps squeezing from his throat. Drool dripped from the corner of his mouth as he continued to seemingly choke on the insufficient air.

As Subaru wheezed, his entire body trembled, including the quilt he had half-pulled over his legs. A cold sweat drenched the back of his tracksuit, and there was an odd noise that echoed along with his rasps - perhaps scratching - but Emilia didn’t have the time to think about this.

\--- for the moment she had seen him, her mind had blanched with pure, black fear.

“-----!!!!!”

With a scream that caught itself within her throat, Emilia scrambled across the floor, almost tripping - to the side of her quivering knight. She fell to her knees with a soft thud, and her hands fumbled and grasped at his clothes. Her lips trembled with the unsung cry of his name, instead focusing on calling for her spirits in a hoarse whisper. Her mind raced to the beat of her pounding heart, desperate to understand what had happened, who, why, whywhywhywhywhy _why_ \----

She had seen Subaru close his curtains. No, she had _believed_ he was the one closing his curtains. Had someone slipped inside the mansion? When did this happen? Had she been so careless as to let Subaru get hurt, again? Why had she been so stupid? Who hurt him? How hurt is he? Is it too late? Why was she so useless?

Once again, Subaru had been hurt because of her. She promised to protect him.

Emilia hated when Subaru broke his promises,

yet, she too, had---

Emilia violently slapped her cheeks. She needed to pay attention, now. She had to help him. She had to help Subaru. There was no time for her to dawdle.

Finally making contact with her lesser spirits - which flittered around her and Subaru in a worried manner - she sent a portion of them out to search the mansion in pursuit of any potential dangers. The other half stuck close by her side, pulsing with the promise of healing magic and ready for Emilia's command.

She had seen his mouth, gasping for air, and the sweat running down his back, but she had not seen his eyes. His messy black hair clung to his damp forehead, hiding his most important feature beneath the bangs that were supposed to be swept back.

It was a selfish thought, and Emilia hated it. Yet, she knew that seeing his eyes would surely make her feel better. Just a glimpse would surely calm her panicked heart.

His brown eyes - so mean, yet so kind.

She wondered what expression they wore. She dreaded the sight, and wondered if they were clenched in the throes of unimaginable pain. But she wouldn't look away. She would accept it, remember, and _never_ make the same mistake again.

She could only hope that he would forgive her.

The hands that had been desperately grasping at Subaru’s tracksuit, feeling for wounds that she would hopefully be able to mend, flew towards his face in a desperate frenzy - yet gently, so gently, swept his bangs aside.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _ah_

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Empty.

\--------------------------- Subaru’s eyes were, empty. 

They held no warmth. 

Anger. Sadness. Regret. Guilt. Pain ---

\--- Nothing.

Nothing at all.

All that remained in the boy’s eyes, which were so mean, so kind---

\---- was emptiness.

They stared at nothing. They felt nothing. They saw nothing. They watched, something, somewhere only he could see, far, far away - and even then, there was absolutely nothing. They were cold. Unfeeling.

Right then,

Amongst rasping breaths, and the soft noise of scratching,

Natsuki Subaru wore the eyes of a corpse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, let me know how I can improve! I'll likely go back and edit things later on, as I tend to notice mistakes as soon as I finish. 
> 
> As you can tell, I love messing with spacing. It's fun. Crazy text go wheeeee


	4. I don't understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more bad time. Also, blood. 
> 
> Sorry for taking so long with this, I had a big burnout regarding this fic. Thankfully, as school and my motivation picks up again, I've found more energy for updating this fic. Once again, please leave any suggestions you may have for me below! I want to be as good a writer I can.

The moment Emilia had looked into Subaru’s eyes,

Time stopped. The sound of the wind against the window, the trickling of spilled ink, the soft shuffling of her ornate clothing as she leaned closer to the boy against the wall - 

Gone. 

Emilia could only formulate a single, numb thought. It was an unconscious thought that almost forced its way through her trembling lips.

_Why does he look like that?_

Her mind, which had been sent into overdrive upon discovering the disarray of Subaru’s room, slowed to a stop. Discovering Subaru curled against the wall in a near fetal position, she had believed he might be dead. Panic and despair had crept upon her heart. And yet, still, despite the glazed look in his eye, he breathed. 

There was only Subaru’s soft breathing, wheezing and shallow, rattling beneath the gentle touch of her trembling fingertips. She clung to the noise like her life was in the balance. If she stopped listening, it would disappear.  
The hand in his hair slowly brushed aside his bangs that had been left in a state of disarray, hiding away the dull brown orbs. It was an act that she hadn’t put a second’s thought into - her hand moved on its own. With the dead eyes vanished beneath the curtain of damp hair, Emilia felt herself begin to breathe again. Air squeezed into her lungs as she wheezed, shaking her head in an attempt to regain her focus. Thus, as time resumed, she once more looked at the state of his body.

\-- Emilia unconsciously avoided facing the fact that Subaru’s eyes had terrified her.

Had she realized what she had done in a way of preserving her own state of mind, she would surely never be able to forgive herself. But she simply had no attention left to spare. She told herself that, and believed it; she was continuing to lie to herself about the way Subaru was muttering and twitching under her pale fingers.

\-- as of that moment, Emilia was at a complete loss of what to do. Even if she had momentarily forgotten the heartrending expression on her knight’s face, it felt as if the boy she held in her arms were not really there; as if he’d been replaced by a lifeless doll. He felt so fragile, so small between her arms… Emilia truly believed that if she let him go, even if for just a moment, he would break into pieces. 

She didn’t understand. 

What happened? Why? Is he sick? Is he dying? Is he hurt? Where is it? What is it? What? Why?

_Why did he look like that?_

A constant drone of dull thoughts, tinted with an unbearable sense of encroaching despair, buzzed within the confines of Emilia’s mind. She desperately wanted to understand, even as she denied the sight before her.

Even now, as she stared at him, she was unable to figure out what had happened. Even as her thoughts calmed, her heart didn’t. She felt the pounding of the blood rushing to her head as her heart beat against her chest as she desperately searched her memories, looking for something, anything that would help Subaru. She was still unable to find anything that would explain this. 

Repeating the same question of ‘who hurt him?’ or ‘is he sick?’ bore no fruit, no matter how hard she thought.

Everything was great. Everything was fine. She had been having a swell time as she leisurely soaked in the pleasure of living in the mansion abundant with loving people and happy memories. She had been stupid. She had not been careful enough, and because of that, Subaru was hurt again. 

As her thoughts clashed, Emilia glanced back at Subaru’s partially hidden visage, having been staring intently at the strange emblem on his jacket for no particular reason.

Emilia had seen many of Subaru’s faces he had made in the time she had known him. He had many. His embarrassed faces, his proud faces, and the one she admired most of all: the face he made when he was being kind to someone. She had seen that particular expression many more times than she deserved.

\--And yet, throughout all the time she had known the boy, she had never once seen him like this. And Emilia, as she gazed at the boy’s still trembling body, was scared. Emilia had never seen such an expression before.

His eyes had scared her. His soft mumbles, tinted with utter anguish, were scaring her. The twitching of his body as he wheezed and moaned were scaring her. She was scared, scared, scared of it. 

\--- why?

“———“

With wheezing breath, Emilia finally noticed it as she gently touched his arm, half in the purpose of consoling herself and half in the dazed act of healing something. She had barely felt the pull of mana of the spirit’s magic being employed as she desperately searched Subaru’s body for some sort of explanation, even as she denied what she was seeing. The healing glow of the spirit’s aid caught the corner of her eye, and Emilia reluctantly turned her eyes to the wound.

“—-hh.”

Her breath caught in her throat at the sight.

\------

\---------------- Emilia offhandedly realized that she had not been aware that healing magic had been employed. Whether it was due to her blind panic or simply her own incompetence, she didn’t know. Such thoughts were useless and helped nobody, but she thought them anyway as she traced her eyes across Subaru's left arm.

Beneath her slim fingers, in the halo of healing magic, laid Subaru’s scarred and bloody skin, sleeves having been sloppily tugged back. Deep scratches, varying in size and intensity, littered both Subaru’s forearm and underarm. 

They were everywhere.

Subaru’s healthy skin had seemingly vanished, and even the few gaps between the incredible damage was marred by a slick coat of blood. Strands of muscle, some torn, poked through a particularly dense mess of scratches near his wrist. Emilia could see a shiny and hard red part through the mess - it was his wrist bone. The gap between his skin and bone made a small squelching noise as Subaru’s hand violently twitched, muscles contracting painfully. The radial artery was pulsing wildly beneath the scratches that had torn at its walls, and a seemingly endless flow of blood seeped from within. 

_Scratches, scratches, and more scratches. Blood, blood, and more blood._

Subaru’s sleeve, which had been pulled away from the carnage, was stained anyways. The pant leg his arm had rested on was a dark black - a deep shade caused by the unending trickle of red. There were splotches against the wall - likely from when he had first torn into his radial artery, resulting in an explosive release.

\----------

“---auuu, _uuu_.”

Emilia let out a low moan as she gazed at it, a feeling of nausea gently bubbling from within. She felt her head sway as she focused the spirit’s magic upon the nearly irreparable damage that had been wrought as she watched scratches weave together, and slowly, repair themselves. 

\---- Emilia hadn’t simply moaned from the distress of Subaru’s state. Yes, she was horrified. Of course she was. She felt sick. Emilia felt terrible as she gazed upon the intricate disaster that had been wrought upon Subaru’s left arm. 

\---- But, more than anything, it was because she had seen his other hand, twitching, scratching, and covered in his own blood.

Something so painful, something that could have been fatal if left be. Something that could leave irreparable damage. Something that, if Emilia hadn’t found him, may have been much, much worse. 

Subaru had done this to himself.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’tunderstand.

Why?   
why whY?

Why would Subaru do such a thing?

His twitching right hand, which Emilia had grabbed and pushed against the wall at some point, was soaked within his own blood. Beneath his fingernails were the blood and skin torn from his left arm, a disgusting mixture of grime and red. Even now it worked tirelessly, clawing at the air. It did nothing to harm Emilia. It simply scratched and twitched towards the arm it had been tirelessly wearing down only moments before.

Emilia had seen self-harm on such a scale only once before. It was a painful memory that she didn’t want to recall, and one she had only recently fully accepted as a part of her past.

\---The first trial, where she watched as Guese went insane.

The way he had torn at his face, dragging his nails down his cheeks as blood pooled and tricked down his anguished expression would haunt Emilia forever. In the numb shock of having lost Fortuna to Guese’s own hand, she had not completely registered what she was witnessing as Guese screamed and wailed to the heavens above. She never once thought she would ever see something like that again. She never wanted to see that again.

But she sat here with Subaru’s destroyed arm in her grasp, seeing exactly what she had back then.

And so, caught in the vortex of turbulent emotion and sinking in a deep pit of dread, Emilia didn’t catch the soft whisper directed her way.

A soft breeze sifted through her silver locks, and she felt a rush of warm air. She turned her eyes to the source, meeting her gaze with Subaru’s hazy eyes - which peering at her from beneath his dark mop of hair.

“...E...milia..?”

His voice was quiet and hoarse, so much so that Emilia barely caught it.


End file.
